The Other Side of the Mountain
by mythweaver1
Summary: FFIV. TAY. No one can stay on a mountain forever. Sooner or later, the world will need saving. Again. A Kain tale. Warnings: TAY SPOILERS. Satire. Kain's glorious ponytail.


Dear diary,

When Cecil said, "Let your dark self win and everything will be fine." ….he lied.

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Can I let someone else deal with this?

…I should probably…

okay, I'll leave my mountain. *sigh*

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Today I began the painful process of saying goodbye to all of my rocks. I'll miss them. Harold, especially.

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Several days of travel, and I'm reminded once again why chocobos are useless. They can't even fly. Unless I could breed one that could…I wonder if I could find any financiers in Mysidia…

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What a stupid plan. Breeding chocobos. Almost as stupid as raising sheep for their wool…..

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But honestly, why is this island so vast? They may as well call it "isle of ordeals". ...path of ordeals…grass of ordeals…..rock of ordeals….chocobo ordeals…

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I bet my dark side has already built himself an airship out of mud and sticks and the power of evil…

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I miss being evil.

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No, that's a lie.

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Maybe.

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Four days of travel, and only now do I encounter the ONE moron who picks a fight with a flame hound completely unmatched…

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Two words: Ceodore.

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What did he mean by 'crashed the airship'. They're practically idiot proof. _Edge_ could pilot one, for crystals sake. You're telling me we have to WALK the whole way, now?

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When I tried explaining that I was only after my dark doppelganger, I wasn't expecting to get sucked into another world war. I blame Edge.

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Porom has a better poker face than I've ever given her credit for…it's like she _actually_ didn't know who I was….

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Devil's road again. Interminable, everlasting, monotonous, incessant… _ordeals._ Damn ordeals….

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Wait. Ceodore is _their_ son? How is that even possible? How did I not know that? _Did_ I know that? Was _that_ in the note I accidentally set on fire?

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Cecil's turned evil and not me? Best. Day. Ever.

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…but he's not the one with the doppelganger that has yet to be found. So there's that.

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The _last_ time I traveled through the Mist valley, a literal mountain collapsed on me. This time, Ceodore is the one falling _off_ of things. This kid's hopeless.

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O for 2.

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I've been toying with the idea of coming up with a better pseudonym for myself…but hearing Ceodore cry out "Hooded Man!" every two minutes is enough entertainment to make this desert bearable.

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Dear Edward, build a REAL road. One that isn't paved by waterfalls and the hopes and dreams of children. And octopus tentacles. Could definitely do without those.

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Why does my dark side always look sexier than I do?

Why, for that matter, has Rosa not developed any sort of self-defense skills in the last seventeen years? What has she been doing? Sewing? How has Cecil allowed that….

I suppose I shouldn't be one to talk…

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Me, myself, and I will have to have a conversation about this crush and how it is _once again_ dragging us across the world…to kill Cecil. And WHERE has Cid been for all this time, exactly? Waxing his beard?

Wait….Cid's still alive?!

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…EVERY TIME I have an interesting story to tell...Edge arrives and whips one up that's at least 5 times longer and 10 times more interesting. I hate him.

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KAIN WRITES IN A DIARY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. *drawing of a dilapidated unicorn*

:P :P :P

(thanks for saying that my stories are more awesome than yours. I'll be holding that over you for YEARS)

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…..It should be noted, that Edge discovered this journal and destroyed all the parts that were interesting. Damn him.

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We're back on the moon. Well. Not _the_ moon, the other moon. I have no idea how that makes sense.

Will be writing fewer entries to avoid scrutiny….

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Getting the band back together has been oddly…nostalgic. But who are all these kids? Have I not been getting all of my mail? Was Porom's hair _always_ pink?

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When Rosa asked how she couldn't possibly have recognized me for all that time…I knew the answer: head scarves.

It may have been my most effective disguise of all time. Should I ever choose to defect again….

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And since when does Rydia have a dark doppelganger? Does _everyone_ have one?

…Does that mean that Rosa has a doppelganger somewhere who has feelings for me? I'm sure we'd make a far more competent child than Ceodore…

No, self, we've been over this. You're _not_ still in love with Rosa. You're _not_ still in love with Rosa….

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So this woman, Izayoi. She disdains people almost as much as I do. I like her.

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Can I just use this moment to point out, that I find Golbez' lack of pants disturbing?

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Actually, imagining him capturing crystals and conquering the world is so much more amusing when envisioning him in his skirt…...kilt…...thing. Along with that ridiculous tan. And lack of shoes.

Who thought that was a good idea?

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I didn't like the lunar subterrane the first time. I'm not liking it the second time. Not even the same moon.

There aren't even any zombies here. I was _really_ hoping for an even 9,999.

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Clones. Why did it have to be clones….

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Well. The world is saved again. I have no idea what happened, but everyone seems normal again. That's good, I guess.

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Wait…what do you MEAN I don't get to go back to my mountain?

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What do you _MEAN_ someone's already been by to collect my things?!

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Dear diary,

They've given me an airship. AN AIRSHIP. They've even given me a FLEET of airships. This may be the single most exciting day I've had in 17 years!

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Ceodore…. They've assigned me to Ceodore.

Well. It was good while it lasted.

Besides, it will be far easier to graffiti Edge's castle with two people instead of one. Would Rubicante look better on the east tower or the west tower…or would it be too soon?

Probably too soon.

Unicorns, it is.

~Fin~

 **A/N:**

 **OH MY WORD, MYTH'S BACK FROM RETIREMENT?**

 **Not really. I'm just stumped momentarily in the world building process of my original ms, and needed to write something light and fluffy for a change of pace.**

 **I guess I could consider this a "gift fic" for a certain Moonclaw ;) She requested something amusing, and it didn't take long for something as madcap as this to emerge.**

 **For a few others who've requested TAY fic from me. This is about as serious as I get with this game, haha.**

 **Once again, another satire featuring Kain, bookending the "My Side of the Mountain" tale from a year or so ago.**

 **Thanks for reading ;)**


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